by Jihyun Yun
(verb)
The ethnological term for an animal maiming or killing her own offspring. Though observed in the wild and across various species, it most severely impacts pigs bred in captivity and subjected to severe environmental stressors.
Dear daughters, when the mind leaves
it leaves swiftly. Today I woke not knowing
which country holds me or if those love
motels stringing neon cords outside my window
were those of Oakland or Seoul. I woke having
forgotten even your faces, but remembered
my hunger. What if this is all I am left with:
memories of my young body rifling through refuse
at the U.S. bases, the slow arc of a dust-bloodied moon
illuminating garbage: animal bones I picked through
for their tears of toothed sinew, wads of gum
studded with gristle and American spit. We did our best
to rinse off the dirt, but that too is sustenance.
After all, I've seen the hungry drink soups of mud
or their own vomit, and if pride serves no man,
then let us be animal, full and unmoored
from whatever shame names us human. We boiled
trash in a big pot, watched the chicle bloom
into nothing and broth, the bone's faint bouquet
of rot brought us kids to drooling. The stock boiled
itself white. We spiced it with crushed cigarette butts
and wild weeds, called it 꿀꿀이죽, or oink-oink gruel
after the swine we had become. To this day, nothing
has tasted as good. Home that evening, my eldest sister
seized me by the hair, throttled my face red for eating
American garbage. You weren't raised like this,
you weren't raised like this, but in a year, my sister
in all her beauty and pride would be dead. It was like
we already knew it back then, my girl body half-transformed
into a pig, screeching its pink forfeit. My sister
thrashing my wire-haired skin, weeping for all the lives
neither of us would live.